So last week I was pretty critical of my Virgin Atlantic flight too and from India on Twitter and such like. A few people were surprised, "Virgin are one of the best ones" someone said. So I thought it was only fair to do a comparison against the other airline I travel on frequently, Emirates.

To do this properly I'm going to compare the outbound journey on each flight. I flew Virgin to India last week and Emirates to Dubai today. I'll break the whole experience down into sections. I'm actually sat on the Emirates flight now and already it's worlds apart.  So while it's fresh in my mind, let's begin...

Before travelling

My back is fucked, I think my spine is the same as a 70 year old wrestler so for me, seat choice is important. I like to be able to get up fairly regularly to stretch my back as well as stretch my legs out as far as they go to lengthen my spine a bit.  It can mean the difference between a small limp and the complete inability to walk for hours after flying. As a result, I'm pretty hot on getting online as early as I can to choose a good seat.  As soon as my Virgin ticket landed on my desk I was on the web seeing if I can choose my seat in advance.  The dog mess that is the Virgin website suggests I can with a link that says "Choose your seat in advance". Pretty obvious I would say.  I tap in my ticket number and it loads a screen where I can input my whole fucking life story, but there is no link to seat choice.  It says I can't check in either till 24hrs before. Fair enough, maybe seat choice is only available during online check-in. So I set an alarm on my phone to remind me at 23 hours before my flight departs to check in. The alarm goes off when I'm in the pub,so I head home and within an hour I'm back on the website. Check in online is now available, but seat choice is greyed out.  Eh? After rooting through the help system the only explanation is that I'm too late. Surely they haven't all gone in those few hours? What seat do I have? An F. That's a middle seat, with fuck all leg room. Bastards have had me right over.  Poor start for Virgin.

Emirates website is a joy, if not a little bland. Link on homepage shows me I can choose seat, so again when ticket arrives I'm on it and there is a picture of the plane with my seat highlighted.  Simples. A few good seats left, so I change to an isle at the back near the bulkhead so I can put my seat back without offending the person in behind. Win. But what's this, I can do my seat choice for the flight back as well? But that's in 10 days time? Surely not? Ah an exit seat is free, I-thank-you.  Booked.  What a result. Emirates are one up early on.

Emirates 1-0 Virgin

Arrival at the airport

Both airlines fly out of LHR so it's a fair place to compare. Virgin have the whole of the side wing of Terminal 3, it's all lit up and you can spot where to go straight away. It looks very flash, like you're walking into their business lounge or something. You rapidly realise the reality though when confronted with 1000 stranded mutants trying to make heads or tails of the complete chaois that is their check in system.  There are hundreds of Virgin Atlantic ladies in their pretty red shoes (bonus points there) everywhere but none offer to help. Instead they shout in their radios, maybe discussing what time they clock off.  There are check-in machines dotted about, handily placed right in the middle of the open space just where you need to walk. Do I need to use it? Can I go to the desk? These questions confuse me and the other people who have not had enough sleep. I decide to skip the machine, and go straight for a desk. Not sure about a queue, there is just a mass of bodies behind all the desks which I join.  There is a lady struggling with her bag in front but none of the Virgin ladies want to break a nail so I help her lift her bag onto the weight machine.  Im rewarded with a grunt from the girl behind the counter. Shes very pretty, but would jump 2 points on the scale if she chose to smile. The staff were nice though my request to change seats is refused as the flight is full. This is fine, until I later learn that a colleague behind me changed successfully.  So she lied to me. Gone are the bonus red shoe points. Ho-bag.

Emirates doesn't have it's own area but it has a well laid out queue system which funnels people to the check in desks quickly.  There is a small queue but its moving quickly. I have a Silver points card (with all other airlines it gives you jack all) but with Emirates I get a separate Silver check in desk with no queue, next to the Business Class queue. Nice touch, i feel slightly special. The lady whilst not as hot as the Virgin girls, is friendly and while I have a good seat already, she calls the plane to find a good seat for my colleague.  She made the effort. I am pleased.

Emirates 2 - 0 Virgin

Airside lounge and boarding

After a quick queue at the Virgin gate about an hours walk from the main area, we're shuffled into a room where the contents of a full 777 are waiting to board.  No seats left so I prop the wall somewhere and wait.  The Virgin girls are all clustered together in a pack which for any red blooded male is rather pleasing on the eye. But then they call the seats and every man and his dog goes for the plane. I wait around with my collegues to avoid the crush, the result of which is there is no room left in the overhead locker by the time I get there.  With no offer of help I finally locate a space at the other end of the plane and jam my bag in.

Emirates seem to have half the airport reserved for thier waiting room, but it's not necessary as there is no waiting, once I get to the gate I walk directly onto the nearly empty plane and find my seat, grabbing a free copy of The Economist as I pass the doors. Bag in locker and park in seat. Virgin embarrassed again.

Emirates 3-0 Virgin

Settling into the flight

For those that know me, I'm not a large bloke. I weight 65kg, have a 32" waist and small legs. So I'm normally Ok in economy seats and am never that badly off for leg room. Not on this Virgin flight.  After thumbing myself between two fat fucks I find my knees crushing the iPad and magazine stored in the seat pocket, which seems so stretched I'm suprised it held anything at all. It is without doubt the least leg room I have ever had. If this were between Virgin and Ryan Air, O'Leary would snatch a cheeky point here! So to give myself an extra 5mm I stash the magazine and iPad under the seat. Oh wait, old red heels tells me I'm not allowed to do that. So back in the pocket they go. We wait a while and not a lot happens. Plane is full, doors are closed and we're not moving. Eventually pilot tell us we're in a queue. Can't listen to my tunes as nothing electrical is allowed on (fine on Emirates till taxi, go figure!) and the filmage doesn't work either.  I actually start to drift off to sleep but that comes to an abrupt end when one of red shoes mates slams a trolly into the guy next to me who jumps and elbows me in the face. I hate this flight already.

Once I'm settled in my seat on Emirates I'm offered a hot towel, a lovely touch and something so simple. While the nice lady is there I ask for some water which is with me about 30s later. Leg room is good, probably 4inches between my knees and the seat in front. There is a pack of things which reveals to be a tooth brush and an eye mask. All a bit naff but plenty of room in my seat pocket to stash it along with my iPad and headphones.  I'm comfortable and not long later we taxi and take off smoothly.  Happy customer.

Emirates 4-0 Virgin

Inboard dining

It's not long before Virgin bring round the food. Because of the time of our flight it's dinner at the start then breakfast at the end. I wasn't to know this till I was being stared at by the air hostess. " What you want", she says.  I ask surely the obvious, "What is there?". Vegetable curry or lamb curry.  Humm, good job I like curry. Actually its a nice opportunity to have curry, as I'm travelling to India I'm obviously not going to be able to have curry at my destination so I best get one now. Fucking retards. It's like gruel.  Before I even get a lump of leather meat in my mouth the plastic fork has snapped in half and I have to ask for another, but i can only do so 15mins later when the lady has finished serving everyone else. I manage a few mouthfuls before I eat the bread and forget the rest. I drift off to sleep as the entertainment STILL isn't on and am genuinely amazed to find about 40mim later my stuff all still on my stay table. If it stayed their any loner there was danger of it mutating into another life form. Does anyone actually work on this flight? Ffs.  Later on is food round two. The choice, vegetable curry.  I shit you not.  Curry again. I'd rather eat my own spleen. After attempting to eat some of it I abandon and decide to starve. Probably for the best because the guy in front has his chair back so my dinner is pretty much in my face already.  I have to pretty much elbow the guy next to me in the face in order to stand a chance of getting anything near my mouth. But the guy in front is asleep. We can't possibly wake him. I ask for some red wine though, so she pours about 1cm of wine from an unmarked bottle into a plastic glass and hands it over. Near the end of the flight i'm fucking starving so I head to the back of the plane for some food.  After being told quite rudely that I was in the way, I was then informed that snacks were £2 a time. On a £500+ long haul ticket, I had to pay for a pack of wine gums. I can have as much Vodka as i want but if i ask for an alternative to the poisonous dinners I have to pay? Assholes.

Emirates is a slightly shorter flight so I was only expecting one meal but not long after take off I'm handed a menu which details what's on offer. Its nice to know in advance what i am going to have. Breakfast is up first, a continental style affair.  When it does arrive, the croissant is hot which was a nice surprise.  The metal cutlery is an instant plus one over Virgin as well. I eat, and not long after finishing its whisked away at the same time as a coffee (mildly poisonous) is given to me as well.  Dinner comes later in the flight and is lovely.  I see the drinks lady pass me numerous times so can grab water each time and i even wake after a doze to a pack of savoury snack things which were really nice.  With my savoury snacks i ask for some red wine.  Im given the choice of an Australian Shiraz or a South African merlot.  The waitress informs me the Shiraz is good so i opt for that which comes in a nice sealed mini bottle which i can drink at my lesuire. Thats how it should be. The snacks are lovely, so much so i asked for some more and was given about 7 packs. They have the food and sevice down to a T here.  Sorry Richard, you lose, again.  This is becoming shameful.

Emirates 5-0 Virgin

Entertainment

Now, let me first say that in this rather one sided (so far) comparison that Virgin had a chance of scraping a much needed round here. The safety video was mildly entertaining and I actually watched it which is rare. But while the plane was sitting motionless on its stand I couldn't understand why the entertainment system I had was off. I poked it, pressed buttons on the chewing gum covered remote but shit all happened.  I questioned red shoes who told me it didn't start till we were in the air. Um, why exactly? So I waited.  Eventually we took off.  Still waiting.  Seat belt signs off. Still nothing. Food is out. Still nothing. Genuinely, well over an hour after boarding it fires up, but not before I have to watch Branson's ugly mug talking shit at me for 10 mins.  But, this is where they might have scraped a point (if it had started in a respectable time), once it was on it was actually pretty good.  Touch screen system, good movies and trailers. I was enjoying one movie so much I didn't realise we were nearing our destination, where the captain decided I didn't deserve to watch the end of the Smirf Movie and cut the film off without warning. What happened to Daddy Smirf? Branson decided i shouldnt ever find out.  Horrible fuck. Suddenly I was watching some overhead shot of the Sydney Opera House and listening to some cheesy music. Which remained till we landed. Now im going to have to rent that shit on LoveFilm just so i can find out if Daddy Smirf really was the killer. Nice one Virgin.

Once I'm settled in my seat on Emirates, before anyone around me has even got on the plane I press the screen and it comes to life. 30s later I'm into movie one.  I'm interrupted twice, once for the safety vid (sorry Emirates, that shit is duuuull) and secondly to be told how many languages the crew speaks. Not that I really care as long as one of them speaks English. But I'm quickly back into the film. But it's fair to say its not as good as Sir Richards system.  Sure it's touch screen but it's unresponsive and you have to use your little finger to stand any chance of selecting the one you want. Plus the adverts for ten asset management firms is a tad boring before each film but does tell you something about Emirates usual clientele.  So for this round I'm awarding even points, and I'm being kind to Virgin here because they really don't deserve it.

Emirates 6-1 Virgin

Landing

After killing the film a good hour before landing, I'm left staring at a guide to all the destinations Virgin fly to. Red shoes tells me off for having my noise cancelling headphones on so I stare at the seat in front listening to screaming kids for what seems like decades.  We've obviously entered a holding pattern because i get the sense that we keep banking right and don't seem to be going down.  This is a guess though has the pilot has told us fuck all about what's happening. When we finally do land, the pilot puts the reverse thrust on so hard, the insides of my stomach nearly joins my shoes as they career down towards the front of the plane.  The crew spray some bug killer which seems to make my eyes stream before taxing for fucking miles to our gate.  I must be honest, it caps off one of the worst flights I've had in years. I climb off, back is fucked and hobble down the isle to the exit.

I'm vaguely aware we are descending on Emirates, and it's confirmed when the pilot wishes me a pleasant onward journey and helps me set my watch to the local time. Weather is nice at the destination as well which is reassuring. I can feel us descending but my film stays on, no hassle about my headphones either.  The seatbelt sign is now on, and still watching.  After a brief break while they prepare the plane for landing I watch my film right up till we reach the gate. Why couldn't Virgin do that? I grab a couple of waters and some pretzels from the galley as I depart as well, and am thanked by literally everyone who works on the plane.  They may not have the looks of the Virgin girls but they are a damn site friendlier on Emirates.  And so concludes a comfy, stress free journey. Win again for Emirates.

Emirates 7-1 Virgin

Conclusion

I knew the result of this before I wrote it. You did before you read it as well (good skills for reading this far!) but as I wrote what was just to be a few points I kept thinking of more and more things that Emirates simply excel at compared to Virgin. And how just a few tweaks from Sir Richards deep pockets would make Virgin a player on the market, rather than an airline to be avoided at all costs.  And if I had flown A380 like every other time I fly Emirates to Dubai, Virgin wouldn't have one the entertainment point either because the system on the A380 is awesome (it's fair to say everything on A380 is awesome though). So they lucked in there!

So there we have it.  If you can, fly Emirates and if Virgin is the only option, walk.

Ironically Virgin handed me a "Random passenger" questionnaire which I duly filled in honestly. I'd love to know if they actually read it and or give a shit about its contents... I guess I'll never know.

Out. G

Sent from my iPad