So last week I was pretty critical of my Virgin Atlantic flight too and from India on Twitter and such like. A few people were surprised, "Virgin are one of the best ones" someone said. So I thought it was only fair to do a comparison against the other airline I travel on frequently, Emirates.

To do this properly I'm going to compare the outbound journey on each flight. I flew Virgin to India last week and Emirates to Dubai today. I'll break the whole experience down into sections. I'm actually sat on the Emirates flight now and already it's worlds apart.  So while it's fresh in my mind, let's begin...

Before travelling

My back is fucked, I think my spine is the same as a 70 year old wrestler so for me, seat choice is important. I like to be able to get up fairly regularly to stretch my back as well as stretch my legs out as far as they go to lengthen my spine a bit.  It can mean the difference between a small limp and the complete inability to walk for hours after flying. As a result, I'm pretty hot on getting online as early as I can to choose a good seat.  As soon as my Virgin ticket landed on my desk I was on the web seeing if I can choose my seat in advance.  The dog mess that is the Virgin website suggests I can with a link that says "Choose your seat in advance". Pretty obvious I would say.  I tap in my ticket number and it loads a screen where I can input my whole fucking life story, but there is no link to seat choice.  It says I can't check in either till 24hrs before. Fair enough, maybe seat choice is only available during online check-in. So I set an alarm on my phone to remind me at 23 hours before my flight departs to check in. The alarm goes off when I'm in the pub,so I head home and within an hour I'm back on the website. Check in online is now available, but seat choice is greyed out.  Eh? After rooting through the help system the only explanation is that I'm too late. Surely they haven't all gone in those few hours? What seat do I have? An F. That's a middle seat, with fuck all leg room. Bastards have had me right over.  Poor start for Virgin.

Emirates website is a joy, if not a little bland. Link on homepage shows me I can choose seat, so again when ticket arrives I'm on it and there is a picture of the plane with my seat highlighted.  Simples. A few good seats left, so I change to an isle at the back near the bulkhead so I can put my seat back without offending the person in behind. Win. But what's this, I can do my seat choice for the flight back as well? But that's in 10 days time? Surely not? Ah an exit seat is free, I-thank-you.  Booked.  What a result. Emirates are one up early on.

Emirates 1-0 Virgin

Arrival at the airport

Both airlines fly out of LHR so it's a fair place to compare. Virgin have the whole of the side wing of Terminal 3, it's all lit up and you can spot where to go straight away. It looks very flash, like you're walking into their business lounge or something. You rapidly realise the reality though when confronted with 1000 stranded mutants trying to make heads or tails of the complete chaois that is their check in system.  There are hundreds of Virgin Atlantic ladies in their pretty red shoes (bonus points there) everywhere but none offer to help. Instead they shout in their radios, maybe discussing what time they clock off.  There are check-in machines dotted about, handily placed right in the middle of the open space just where you need to walk. Do I need to use it? Can I go to the desk? These questions confuse me and the other people who have not had enough sleep. I decide to skip the machine, and go straight for a desk. Not sure about a queue, there is just a mass of bodies behind all the desks which I join.  There is a lady struggling with her bag in front but none of the Virgin ladies want to break a nail so I help her lift her bag onto the weight machine.  Im rewarded with a grunt from the girl behind the counter. Shes very pretty, but would jump 2 points on the scale if she chose to smile. The staff were nice though my request to change seats is refused as the flight is full. This is fine, until I later learn that a colleague behind me changed successfully.  So she lied to me. Gone are the bonus red shoe points. Ho-bag.

Emirates doesn't have it's own area but it has a well laid out queue system which funnels people to the check in desks quickly.  There is a small queue but its moving quickly. I have a Silver points card (with all other airlines it gives you jack all) but with Emirates I get a separate Silver check in desk with no queue, next to the Business Class queue. Nice touch, i feel slightly special. The lady whilst not as hot as the Virgin girls, is friendly and while I have a good seat already, she calls the plane to find a good seat for my colleague.  She made the effort. I am pleased.

Emirates 2 - 0 Virgin

Airside lounge and boarding

After a quick queue at the Virgin gate about an hours walk from the main area, we're shuffled into a room where the contents of a full 777 are waiting to board.  No seats left so I prop the wall somewhere and wait.  The Virgin girls are all clustered together in a pack which for any red blooded male is rather pleasing on the eye. But then they call the seats and every man and his dog goes for the plane. I wait around with my collegues to avoid the crush, the result of which is there is no room left in the overhead locker by the time I get there.  With no offer of help I finally locate a space at the other end of the plane and jam my bag in.

Emirates seem to have half the airport reserved for thier waiting room, but it's not necessary as there is no waiting, once I get to the gate I walk directly onto the nearly empty plane and find my seat, grabbing a free copy of The Economist as I pass the doors. Bag in locker and park in seat. Virgin embarrassed again.

Emirates 3-0 Virgin

Settling into the flight

For those that know me, I'm not a large bloke. I weight 65kg, have a 32" waist and small legs. So I'm normally Ok in economy seats and am never that badly off for leg room. Not on this Virgin flight.  After thumbing myself between two fat fucks I find my knees crushing the iPad and magazine stored in the seat pocket, which seems so stretched I'm suprised it held anything at all. It is without doubt the least leg room I have ever had. If this were between Virgin and Ryan Air, O'Leary would snatch a cheeky point here! So to give myself an extra 5mm I stash the magazine and iPad under the seat. Oh wait, old red heels tells me I'm not allowed to do that. So back in the pocket they go. We wait a while and not a lot happens. Plane is full, doors are closed and we're not moving. Eventually pilot tell us we're in a queue. Can't listen to my tunes as nothing electrical is allowed on (fine on Emirates till taxi, go figure!) and the filmage doesn't work either.  I actually start to drift off to sleep but that comes to an abrupt end when one of red shoes mates slams a trolly into the guy next to me who jumps and elbows me in the face. I hate this flight already.

Once I'm settled in my seat on Emirates I'm offered a hot towel, a lovely touch and something so simple. While the nice lady is there I ask for some water which is with me about 30s later. Leg room is good, probably 4inches between my knees and the seat in front. There is a pack of things which reveals to be a tooth brush and an eye mask. All a bit naff but plenty of room in my seat pocket to stash it along with my iPad and headphones.  I'm comfortable and not long later we taxi and take off smoothly.  Happy customer.

Emirates 4-0 Virgin

Inboard dining

It's not long before Virgin bring round the food. Because of the time of our flight it's dinner at the start then breakfast at the end. I wasn't to know this till I was being stared at by the air hostess. " What you want", she says.  I ask surely the obvious, "What is there?". Vegetable curry or lamb curry.  Humm, good job I like curry. Actually its a nice opportunity to have curry, as I'm travelling to India I'm obviously not going to be able to have curry at my destination so I best get one now. Fucking retards. It's like gruel.  Before I even get a lump of leather meat in my mouth the plastic fork has snapped in half and I have to ask for another, but i can only do so 15mins later when the lady has finished serving everyone else. I manage a few mouthfuls before I eat the bread and forget the rest. I drift off to sleep as the entertainment STILL isn't on and am genuinely amazed to find about 40mim later my stuff all still on my stay table. If it stayed their any loner there was danger of it mutating into another life form. Does anyone actually work on this flight? Ffs.  Later on is food round two. The choice, vegetable curry.  I shit you not.  Curry again. I'd rather eat my own spleen. After attempting to eat some of it I abandon and decide to starve. Probably for the best because the guy in front has his chair back so my dinner is pretty much in my face already.  I have to pretty much elbow the guy next to me in the face in order to stand a chance of getting anything near my mouth. But the guy in front is asleep. We can't possibly wake him. I ask for some red wine though, so she pours about 1cm of wine from an unmarked bottle into a plastic glass and hands it over. Near the end of the flight i'm fucking starving so I head to the back of the plane for some food.  After being told quite rudely that I was in the way, I was then informed that snacks were £2 a time. On a £500+ long haul ticket, I had to pay for a pack of wine gums. I can have as much Vodka as i want but if i ask for an alternative to the poisonous dinners I have to pay? Assholes.

Emirates is a slightly shorter flight so I was only expecting one meal but not long after take off I'm handed a menu which details what's on offer. Its nice to know in advance what i am going to have. Breakfast is up first, a continental style affair.  When it does arrive, the croissant is hot which was a nice surprise.  The metal cutlery is an instant plus one over Virgin as well. I eat, and not long after finishing its whisked away at the same time as a coffee (mildly poisonous) is given to me as well.  Dinner comes later in the flight and is lovely.  I see the drinks lady pass me numerous times so can grab water each time and i even wake after a doze to a pack of savoury snack things which were really nice.  With my savoury snacks i ask for some red wine.  Im given the choice of an Australian Shiraz or a South African merlot.  The waitress informs me the Shiraz is good so i opt for that which comes in a nice sealed mini bottle which i can drink at my lesuire. Thats how it should be. The snacks are lovely, so much so i asked for some more and was given about 7 packs. They have the food and sevice down to a T here.  Sorry Richard, you lose, again.  This is becoming shameful.

Emirates 5-0 Virgin

Entertainment

Now, let me first say that in this rather one sided (so far) comparison that Virgin had a chance of scraping a much needed round here. The safety video was mildly entertaining and I actually watched it which is rare. But while the plane was sitting motionless on its stand I couldn't understand why the entertainment system I had was off. I poked it, pressed buttons on the chewing gum covered remote but shit all happened.  I questioned red shoes who told me it didn't start till we were in the air. Um, why exactly? So I waited.  Eventually we took off.  Still waiting.  Seat belt signs off. Still nothing. Food is out. Still nothing. Genuinely, well over an hour after boarding it fires up, but not before I have to watch Branson's ugly mug talking shit at me for 10 mins.  But, this is where they might have scraped a point (if it had started in a respectable time), once it was on it was actually pretty good.  Touch screen system, good movies and trailers. I was enjoying one movie so much I didn't realise we were nearing our destination, where the captain decided I didn't deserve to watch the end of the Smirf Movie and cut the film off without warning. What happened to Daddy Smirf? Branson decided i shouldnt ever find out.  Horrible fuck. Suddenly I was watching some overhead shot of the Sydney Opera House and listening to some cheesy music. Which remained till we landed. Now im going to have to rent that shit on LoveFilm just so i can find out if Daddy Smirf really was the killer. Nice one Virgin.

Once I'm settled in my seat on Emirates, before anyone around me has even got on the plane I press the screen and it comes to life. 30s later I'm into movie one.  I'm interrupted twice, once for the safety vid (sorry Emirates, that shit is duuuull) and secondly to be told how many languages the crew speaks. Not that I really care as long as one of them speaks English. But I'm quickly back into the film. But it's fair to say its not as good as Sir Richards system.  Sure it's touch screen but it's unresponsive and you have to use your little finger to stand any chance of selecting the one you want. Plus the adverts for ten asset management firms is a tad boring before each film but does tell you something about Emirates usual clientele.  So for this round I'm awarding even points, and I'm being kind to Virgin here because they really don't deserve it.

Emirates 6-1 Virgin

Landing

After killing the film a good hour before landing, I'm left staring at a guide to all the destinations Virgin fly to. Red shoes tells me off for having my noise cancelling headphones on so I stare at the seat in front listening to screaming kids for what seems like decades.  We've obviously entered a holding pattern because i get the sense that we keep banking right and don't seem to be going down.  This is a guess though has the pilot has told us fuck all about what's happening. When we finally do land, the pilot puts the reverse thrust on so hard, the insides of my stomach nearly joins my shoes as they career down towards the front of the plane.  The crew spray some bug killer which seems to make my eyes stream before taxing for fucking miles to our gate.  I must be honest, it caps off one of the worst flights I've had in years. I climb off, back is fucked and hobble down the isle to the exit.

I'm vaguely aware we are descending on Emirates, and it's confirmed when the pilot wishes me a pleasant onward journey and helps me set my watch to the local time. Weather is nice at the destination as well which is reassuring. I can feel us descending but my film stays on, no hassle about my headphones either.  The seatbelt sign is now on, and still watching.  After a brief break while they prepare the plane for landing I watch my film right up till we reach the gate. Why couldn't Virgin do that? I grab a couple of waters and some pretzels from the galley as I depart as well, and am thanked by literally everyone who works on the plane.  They may not have the looks of the Virgin girls but they are a damn site friendlier on Emirates.  And so concludes a comfy, stress free journey. Win again for Emirates.

Emirates 7-1 Virgin

Conclusion

I knew the result of this before I wrote it. You did before you read it as well (good skills for reading this far!) but as I wrote what was just to be a few points I kept thinking of more and more things that Emirates simply excel at compared to Virgin. And how just a few tweaks from Sir Richards deep pockets would make Virgin a player on the market, rather than an airline to be avoided at all costs.  And if I had flown A380 like every other time I fly Emirates to Dubai, Virgin wouldn't have one the entertainment point either because the system on the A380 is awesome (it's fair to say everything on A380 is awesome though). So they lucked in there!

So there we have it.  If you can, fly Emirates and if Virgin is the only option, walk.

Ironically Virgin handed me a "Random passenger" questionnaire which I duly filled in honestly. I'd love to know if they actually read it and or give a shit about its contents... I guess I'll never know.

Out. G

Sent from my iPad

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I’m in South Korea this week, a new stop for the circus.  From leaving my door in the UK to arriving at my hotel took 28 hours and 3 separate journeys, including 5 hours sat on a piece of shit coach at about 100 degree’s.  It was grim.  The bus journey included a stop at the most fucked up service station in the world.  Food you wouldn’t touch if you were dying of starvation, and toilets that made me want to throw up on the spot.  Looking at the floor it looked like others were not as controlled as I was. Other than the airport, this was my first experience of Korea.  I wasn’t impressed.  Cockroaches the size of your head wandered around menacingly.  We quickly moved on.  It was nice however to be back on an Emirates flight after the Cathay Pacific flight last week, decked out in torture chairs and serving up gruel.  Aren’t they suppose to be one of the good ones?  They’re not.  I swear the plane was so old the seats still had ash trays in the arms.  I could always find things to moan about with Emirates but after flying on Cathay, it made me realise what a first class airline they really are.  Comfy seats, friendly staff and reasonable food.  In fact we flew A380 both journey’s was a result.  Its a shame we have to go via Dubai each time which is a bit of a pain but then I guess it was that or Korean Airlines direct...

So what can I tell you about Korea.  Well, firstly, it’s really not that bad.  I expected it to be a cross between Vietnam and Japan.  A shithole with terrible food and expensive beer.  But it’s not.  Yeah sure it’s a bit grubby but we’re in the Korean equivalent of Merseyside so it’s not surprising.  Our hotel is located right on the coast, in a fishing town.  Which smells.  Fucking awful.  In fact some of the lads told me they walked down to the fish market a few nights ago, and when they came back, had to have a shower and put all their clothes into laundry because the smell of rotten red snapper was so rife in their room.  The hotel is pretty basic as well, but the other teams all seem to be shacked up in “love hotels” whereas we seem to have a normal one.  It turns out its very frowned upon for Korean teenagers to get jiggy in their parents’ house, regardless of whether the old folk are in or not.  So instead they head to their nearest Holiday Inn, and rent rooms by the hour.  Motel spec.  Renault apparently have free condoms on the reception counter, and “mood lighting” switches in their room.  You hit the switch and it turns the room into a boudoir.  I wonder if anyone has heart shaped beds?  Nice.  Ours is just tired, bits falling off here and there.  But it has everything you need.  Even one of those toilet seats that sprays your bum.  Though mine tends to go off when the toilet isn’t in use, spraying the wall.  My only complaint is probably the concrete pillows but seeing as I robbed a couple of pillows off Cathay Pacific last week I just used them.  Result.

There’s been loads in the press of late about how bad the circuit would be, how un-finished it was and how they were still building it.  They were right.  It was like driving into a war zone.  Million’s of Korean’s standing around scratching their heads amongst a mass of building materials, cranes and rubbish.  But to be fair, they’ve really pulled it together because over the last few days it’s really started to take shape.  It’s a shame everything is built to Korean standard, that is, it falls apart when you touch it.

And I’m pleased to report that the North have not yet attacked.  And it’s likely they won’t either because if they are anything like the South Korean’s, they are probably too lazy to actually bother.  One thing I have noticed is that South Korean’s like an awful lot of standing around, and not a lot of actually doing things.  Also, they may well have noticed (like we did) the menace that patrols the South Korean skies.  On Monday while unpacking the sea freight we were treated to a fly past, by five dog old, presumably ex-US military, F16’s doing Mach 1 about 4 meters over our heads.  Once my ears had stopped bleeding I was able to look up in the sky, it’s a wonder they we’re flying at all, the bottoms painted with some leopard skin print but all fading and warn.  It was like an episode of Pimp My Plane, except these ones had been painted by ‘Big Phil’ from Warrington in exchange for a pint of stella rather than from West Coast Customers for twenty grand.  I suspect the US sold them as the latest air warfare tool.  I pictured Nick Cage in God of War meeting with the a bunch of South Korean’s trying to pedal them as some service men rapidly stuck them back together with duck tape.

One of the questions I’ve been asked the most of late is ‘have I eaten dog yet?’  Especially after my pig penis eating escapades of the previous event... Well, the truth is, I have no idea.  In fact it’s quite possible that I have had steak-o-Fido at some stage.  As the restaurants, predictably, don’t speak a word of English and don’t have English menu’s.  There are only so many times you can make chicken impressions to a confused waiter before you just point at a picture and make eating signs.  But unlike Japan, the food has been pretty good.  We’ve tried a new place each time, from a more expensive effort through to a local plastic furniture cafe.  The later being the best, but also the most likely to be old Fi-fi.   I don’t rate the beer here though.  It varies in price a lot, and it’s all been pretty crap.  Really weak tasting larger... Think old Carlsberg, watered down.  A bit like you get at Weatherspoon’s.

One thing I have noticed though is how everything, and I mean everything, is made by Hyundai.  I never realised what a versatile company they were.  I get up in the morning and clean my teeth with my Hyundai toothbrush, turn off my Hyundai TV and get into the Hyundai lift down to reception.  After leaving through the Hyundai doors I get into the Hyundai bus.  We drive past the Hyundai lorries and past the Hyundai Super Tankers sitting in harbour.  Men at the side of the roads are drilling with their Hyundai drills and shovelling dirt with their Hyundai diggers.  I could go on.  Poor old Kia don’t get a look in over here, it’s all about Hyundai.  I was hoping I could find a Hyundai watch to add to the collection but so far no luck.

And so I look forward to race day, to see just how many people turn up to this one million capacity circuit.  Going on yesterdays attendance that’ll be about 7 people and a dog (one that escaped the Sunday roast).  And then its off home on Monday for the horrific journey again just in reverse.  I can’t wait.  I’m not going to Brazil so I have a few weeks home which is nice.  Next stop, Abu Dhabi.

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Well as luck would have it, I have the pleasure of a Part II to my Ryanair rant! That's got to be a first, normally I get these things off my chest and then let sleeping dogs lie. But not this time, oh no, fate has ensured that me and the worst airline on the planet meet again... Here's the biz...

I was on Easyjet back this time. I was looking forward to resting my head on the window, free from the grease left by a thousand scumbags. We arrived a bit early and hung around the Swiss Air counter, seems they handle Easyjet stuff out here in Valencia. In fact we are first in the queue and I'm looking forward to being one of the select few who gets the exclusive 'Boarding Group A' cards. Surely a one way ticket (excuse the pun) to an exit seat and some good kip. The Ryanair desk was behind me, staring at me. I waved. That's a lie, I cursed it and chuckled at it's horrificness. An hour later I'm stood there queing...

You see after my compliments of the other day, Easyjet, she let me down. Because five minutes before the desk opened, an embarrased young lady handed us a sheet of paper that told us the flight was cancelled. We were travelling with a friendly journalist from a London sports mag who thought quickly to jump in the queue for Ryanair. The board was showing the had a flight into Stansted leaving just a few minutes after ours. I reluctantly trudged over with him and my other colleague to the desk, wondering if this was just a joke from the big man up top. The queue was short, maybe two couples in front of us. Shouldn't take long, I thought. Wrong. 45 painful minutes. By which time the rest of our flight had got the same idea and the queue was easily 100 strong. Once at the desk the lady informed us yes, there were seats. They were €300 euros each! "For that shit!" I was thinking. But I wanted to get home, so did the people I was with so we went for it, thrusting a credit card under the desk. The receipt she handed us showed she added on a 'replacement boarding card' fee at €40 a person along with some admin fees. Fucking crooks. Then we joined the next big queue. By this time I'm weary but half hour later we get airside and join the back of the queue for boarding. As we are so late, we are right at the back but there is something odd about this queue. There seems to be no end, and lots of people are stood backwards. Ahh wait, that's it. The cretins at Ryanair allowed the back of the queue to merge with the back of the flight to Dublin next door. It's just a mass of people. No one has a fucking clue. So we merge, concious of people around us moaning that we pushed in. Oh well, talk to the hand and all that!

Five minutes to boarding. It's funny, I'm so drained and tired of standing, a really small part of me can't wait to be on board. Hell, Ryanair could redeam 1% of their terribleness!

Nope.

It was not to be, just before we are due to get on, the flight is delayed... For two hours. Now I'm sorry, there is no, fucking, way, that Ryan stinking air did not know that plane was running so late yet they let their customers, those people that pay the bills, stand like idiots right till the last minute before telling us.

So here I am, again, sat typing a rant on my iPhone about Ryanair. This time I'm not at 1000 degrees on board and am instead in the lounge with a bunch of other pissed off punters. I wonder how this will all pan out. Could there be a part III?...

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I'm sat on a plane waiting to take off from East Midlands airport. It's 7am, I was here at 5. I'm tired, and I'm really grumpy. Let me guess, you've all been here? And by here, I don't just mean sat on a stinking Ryanair flight, I mean sat on a stinking Ryanair flight wondering why the fuck you ended up on this hell hole excuse for an airline.

My story goes like this...

I had a pretty restless night anyway, bit of a fever the last few days and didn't get to bed as early as I should have. I was at the factory by 4am, airport by 5. It was going OK so far, a pretty standard horrifically early F1 setup flight. Checking in was a bit of a scene but then it is in every UK airport so I'm used to it. I was kept amused by laughing at the guy in front with a tripple X (XXX) tattoo on his neck (quietly of course, his neanderthal looking girlfriend might have heard and sat on me) .

Wait, at this point I have to break my tale while I think of ways to kill the screeming kid next to me, or the 4 year old climbing over me to look out the window. I may well pop the parents as well for obviously not giving a shit about thier kids behavour.

Anyway, I divert. I got myself a big mug of tea and some chocolate pastry effort and made my way to gate 22, the last and furthest away gate in the whole airport. The Ryanair gate. 20 mins walk later I was there, stood at the back of a hord of fat chavy parents, unruley children and gormless teenagers. By me go what I assume is my crew today, five of the most miserable looking and scruffily dressed people I've seen in all my years of travelling. Now I know it's early, but it seems service with a smile is not included in Ryanairs ticket. I made eye contact with the girl at the back and gave her an exagerated smile. I was enjoying my tea and feeling friendly. She dagger eyed me back, I could feel them piercing the back of my skull. She deffinately didnt like me.

Sorry, to divert again, I think the kid next to me has poo'd herself. It stinks all of a sudden and she's grinning at me. Her mum is asleep. My god it smells. At least she isn't kicking me anymore.

Anyway. 15 mins passed and nothing had happened. Dagger girl walked past and asked us to tear the slip off the bottom of our boarding cards ourselves. I didn't look at her, I wanted to make my flight without being punched. Now last time I checked, the boarding card is the job of the airline staff, not mine. Maybe they're too retarded? But I oblige none the less. I noticed the other Ryanair morons were staring at the roof, I think one of them was dribbling.

Next thing I know the oldest of the walking dead takes my ripped boarding card and hoofs it onto the floor with a pile of others, and then tells me I can't take my tea on board. I questioned her but she was already processing the person behind me. So I carried on walking. What a mistake! It seems my tea must have actually been a gun! All five of the zombies launched at me! I asked why on this flight I was not allowed my tea, whereas on other flights I am? "Ryanair policy" grandma Ryanair tells me. But she managed to tell me this in the rudest way possible, shoving me to the side and wafting the next people through mid sentence. By this time tripple X was behind me making a scene as well so I thought it best to abandon my £3 tea and move on, the smile firmly off my face.

I wandered onto the plane. It smelled like the changing rooms of your local council gym. Sweat and heat. It's grotesque and hits you in the face like a backhander from  XXX's missus. I'm pushed down the isle by a new set of Ryanairs finest. I mean where do they find these girls? They are spectacularly the most ugly air hostesses in the world. And I'm not just talking this flight, every Ryanair flight is the same. It's like a club for rejected 18-30's Costa Brava reps. Scrape back hair cuts and too much foundation was rife today.

Once I was in my seat, I chose a window so I could rest my head and read my book. I went to tuck my book and iPod away for take off, but it turns out I have no seat pocket in front of me. Looking around none of them do. Maybe its a minute weight saving exercise? It might save about £5 in aviation fuel or some shit like that. Obviously at the expense of the passengers comfort which I am quickly learning is far from Ryanairs top priorities. I end up shoving the book behind me as lumbar support, as within five minutes of being sat down my back is aching from the shit seat.

It's only now, once I am settled, I look around and realise just how disgusting this plane is. Everything is dirty. Chewing gum in every hole, sticky stuff all over the arms. Slime marks on the windows. I daren't touch anything in case I catch Ebola. By now a bloke with more chains than Mr T has sat behind me with his army of children. Each one sports one of those rediculously huge jewel earings that our thug like footballers wear. Wrongly (or not in hiensight), I judge them straight away and think about moving. A quick scan up and down the plane and I realise the whole plane is full of scumbags so I may as well remain.  At least in this seat I can sleep. How foolish I was to think that. Next to me parks a young girl, maybe 4 or 5 years old. She's very excited, it's her first flight. I can appriciate that. She smiles at me. I would say hello but these days you can get arrested for that so I just stare out of the window. The temperature is now rising a lot and im starting to sweat. My sleaves are already rolled right up. I turn the fan on but it pisses out hot air. Must be faulty but ugly staff 1 and 2 are busy talking football to some scumbags so I can't get their attention. Ugly male staff 3 is floyncing around and out of yell distance. Again, I just put up with it.

Finally we start to rumble. The captain introduces himself, he sounds about 13. By now the kids behind me are going baserk. They're kicking the back of my chair and shouting dad dad dad over and over. One of them is trying to climb over the seat. Scrapeback comes over and asks one of them to put its seatbelt on but it doesnt have any affect and the horrid little fuck continues to clamber over my seat, hiting my head in the process.. Scrapeback smiles and moves on. Dad has his earphones in. Dad really couldn't give a shit. Dad also looks like he's escaped from the monkey cage at the zoo so I choose to grit my teeth rather than have a pop.

My story is catching up to present time now. I've been in the air 20 mins or so and on all sides of me there is someone or something making a racket. Shouting, screeming or pooing themselves. The hostess has just informed the plane of the smokeless cigaretes they are selling. Her sales pitch lasts a good 10 mins during which I am nearly deffend by the overly turned up loud speaker right next to my head. Next up is scratch cards, and finally the buy one get one free vodkas. Is it me they're targeting? I'd surely like all three!  Luckily I am armed with lots of ten pound notes. Standard charge for anything they sell on board.

The girl next to me is hitting me with her seat belt end now, her dad smiles as if to encourage it. What a bastard.

The point of my tale is this. Firstly, as you may have gathered I fucking hate Ryanair. I despise it. I would probably fund my own flight in order to avoid this place again. I actually don't know anything that's good about them. They're not even cheap! When you add on all the various charges you could probably charter a flight yourself, flown by the Queen. That's before they offer you a £10 coffee or a £20 packet of Skittles. I know we all like a bargain but when did we choose to accept such poor service, quality and basic principles like hygene and comfort? And importantly, why are Ryanair making so much profit while proper airlines like BA who pride on service are in such trouble? We're all to blame really because for some reason we just accept it. To save a few quid. It's shameful. I'm just as guilty in fact, Bec and I have flown Ryanair a few times. Never again though, I mean that. I'd rather stay in England than put her or I through that shit again.

I'm talking about everyone here, anyone, all of us. We all check the 1p fares don't we? Compare them to Easyjet, also a budget airline and Easyjet are streets ahead. Clean planes, friendly and well dressed staff, realistic baggage allowances. A well run operation yet still reasonably priced. Yet these dirt filled school buses in the sky are always full. Is it all just to save a few quid? Or make a few quid extra profit?

I've been typing for ages and missy next to me seems to have taken an interest so I will probably cut this off now. I am now going to attempt to sleep without putting my head or face near any of these germ infested surfaces and while about 7 of the worlds most poorly controlled children have a rave around me.

Wish me luck... Out.

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 I’m writing this from the Mercedes GP motor home in Istanbul, where a 40 inch plasma about a millimetre from my head shows BBC Worldwide news all through the day.  Although the sound is off, I glance up at the screen and the same few stories are on repeat.  BP oil still spills into the Gulf of Mexico.  Thick Americans shout at the camera about how evil BP are, forgetting that it was not actually their fault and instead was a contractor of theirs, they are just ‘legally’ responsible.  As a BP shareholder, this makes me annoyed that people don’t know the facts, so I choose to ignore that.  Regardless, it’s a global disaster.   It’s massive news.  Next up is the drug lord in Jamaica.  I think 100 people are either dead or wounded from the fighting.  Pretty major.  Lastly, that terrible train crash in India (again).  Why is it always India where these disasters happen?  Lastly... Apple releases the iPad outside of the US.

 

 

You have to admire the marketing machine that is behind Apple.  The screen shows me queues of people outside the Apple store in some city somewhere.  I mean really, is this big news?  Does anyone actually care?  I know I’m the first person to moan about the news being all doom and gloom but really, this is not news.  Apple huggers already know about the iPad launch, they were all probably in those queues, or maybe in the tattoo parlour getting the apple logo etched onto their forehead.  Non apple fans simply don’t give a crap.  Whichever side you’re on, I think we can all agree there are way more important things to be reporting on.

 

On the subject of Apple fans, I’ve changed my tune massively over the last few years.  If you talked to me a few years ago, I was quite anti apple.  Not in the same way that anti Microsoft people hated Microsoft, but more in a ‘I won’t ever buy one’ way.  The Apple slaves used to have all these reasons about why I didn’t like them, like falling for the global Microsoft machine.  But most of them were wrong.  Like the AAC format.  That really bugged me.  The way Apple would not release the codec’s for anyone to use.  This for me made WMA a far better musical format (for instance it worked in my car, and in my home stereo).  And then there was iTunes.  Which, I’m sorry, is still a terrible piece of software.  All those billions of pounds profit, all those millions of daily users, and Apple still have the cheek to release a product of such poor quality.  And the price, Apple kit was always (and still is) massively overpriced.  But my Apple opinion is changing... Here’s some history.

 

A few years  ago when I was doing A1GP I bought an iPod.  Why?  Because I had a Creative MP3 player that was rubbish, and I’d re-ripped my entire CD collection (all 1200 of them!) in MP3 format so it worked in my new car which didn’t support WMA. There seemed to be no other good players around.  This was a big step for me, I’d never considered Apple kit before.  I had researched beforehand how to make an iPod work with Windows Media player though, so the virus that was/is iTunes didn’t worry me as I didn’t have to use it.  Result.  What followed was a happy relationship between man and machine.  Many a long haul flight was made a pleasure with my new iPod, its massive battery life and my horrifically expensive but worth every penny, Bose Noise Cancelling headphones.  I enjoyed it.  I even replaced it with a bigger one a year later, which I still have today.  It’s right next to me in fact, charging away.  Smiling at me.  Then Becky convinced herself that the iPhone was the next must have toy.  She bought it, while I rubbished it at the side as a fashion accessory, not a phone (probably while taking the battery out of my Windows Mobile powered phone because it had just crashed).  What convinced me to buy an iPhone was the share dealing apps that were popping up on the iPhone, mostly for free.  I installed them on Becs, and kept finding apps that helped my life in some way.  I started to want one myself, so I took the plunge and bought one.  And I’ve never looked back.  Simply put, it’s the single best piece of technology I have ever bought.  Period.  It does everything I ask of it, all the time, simply and quickly.  Every day it gets better, with a new app that makes my life simpler and easier to manage.  Yes, it has its downsides.  The battery life is poor and annoys me, and the camera is shocking.  But the pro’s FAR outweigh the cons.  I enjoy using it, rather than using it when I have to.  I play with it.  It’s a toy!  When I don’t have it, I feel lost and agitated.  My iPhone organises my life, and without it, I struggle. I rely on it for everything.  My social life, my business, my blogs, my work.  Everything is on there, somewhere.  So sad.  But most iPhone users would admit to this also.  They’re almost proud that that little device runs their life for them! 

 

Next up, when Brawn won the championship we got a bonus, so I bought Becky a Macbook Pro.  She loves it.  I’m still being convinced.  That’s where we are up to.  I still think they are vastly over priced for what you get.  And Apple STILL control their market like a monopoly which annoys me still, but I am slowly moving, dare I say it, to the dark side.  The laptops need to be more business orientated, but I’m exposed to them more every day as my colleagues around me in Daimler use Macbooks, so I am supporting them and learning them more all the time.  Mostly in German! 

But what are we saying about the iPad?  My friend Rich speaks on his blog about a gap that this device fills.  The gap that, well, doesn’t really exist.  And it sounds like he is just the same as me when he says he finds himself wanting one, for no real reason at all.  I can think of a dozen times I would use it, I think.... However there is one BIG thing that stops me.  Flash support! Come on Apple, sort it out.  Whatever beef you have with Adobe get over it.  After all it was Adobe’s Photoshop and Premier software that got you the ‘superior to PC’ graphics reputation you still carry today.  Without Adobe, who knows if you’d be as powerful as you are now?  Until they sort this gripe I cannot buy an iPad.  I like Flash too much, and I also know how many sites rely on Flash, and so without it, to me it’s not an Internet Device because it doesn’t support so many sites.  80% of all online games for instance, written in Flash. 60% of all online video’s, also in Flash.  This needs sorting.  Its like releasing a car that can only drive on certain tarmac types, so a bunch of really good roads are unavailable to you s a driver.  When they sort that, yeah, OK, I’ll be honest I’ll probably get one J.  If they don’t, I’ll look at the competitors products while always knowing that the iPad is probably better.

I noticed also on my BBC World News a few days ago that Apple have finally overtaken Microsoft  in terms of market cap.  That was inevitable.  Since Bill left, Microsoft seems a bit disjointed.  Windows 7 is saving them to a degree, but they have so much to improve.  Like Windows Mobile.  What a piece of crap.  Will Apple be a victim of their own success, like Microsoft was back in the day?  I think it’s going to happen.  They’re rising too fast, too quickly.  Remember the day when Microsoft were sued for bundling I.E with Windows machines?  How long till we see the same action against Apple for bundling Safari with Mac OS?  Same thing right?

 

Anyway, this blog turned out far longer than I thought it would and a bus awaits me to whisk me back to my hotel.  I’ll climb in bed, and fire up my iPhone.  I’ll check my shares on Bloomberg, catch up on Facebook, do a bit of eBaying, check the weather and then after a few games of Monkey Ball its phone off, and lights out. Night all.

 

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So we got moved in, the guys at R. S. Turner removals did a fab job at a great price and were loaded, unloaded and gone by midday. Photo is our first dinner here, Becky getting the Rangemaster warmed up and spag bog served on camping chairs. Perfect. Just climbed into a bed abandoned in the middle of the room, with nothing but cans of piant and dust sheets around me. Proper update tomorrow. Honest.. :-)

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Yesterday was a great day. We picked up the keys to our new cottage in Tingewick. An exciting moment and one long overdue, this purchase seemed so much more lengthy and complicated than the house in Saffron Walden. But we got there, and for Becky this is her first house so an extra special day for her. We spent a bit of time at the house, making lists of what we needed to do, paint, repair etc. Generally just being there on a gorgeous spring day.

Today was a little different. It started with a three figure sum in Homebase, getting everything from new paint brushes, to super expensive new mega locks for the front and back doors (one of which is beside me after it appears to be the wrong one!). It's been a great day though. Bec has been running around with the rented carpet cleaning gizmo and I've been painting gates, fitting locks and repairing window frames. In fact I'm quite burnt... Again..

Tomorrow I'll post some photos of the cottage for you before the madness of moving begins on Monday. Hopefullythe weather tomorrow is just as nice as today.

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These last few months have been an odd one, my time patterns are massively out of sync.  I used to have such a set routine..  Working at BGP/MGP during the day, come home, have some dins then while Becky watched her naff TV programs go up and do a two or three hours freelancing.  Afterwards, come down, spend some time watching a film or some TV with Becky then she’d go to bed, I’d stay up and have a few beers and watch some Bear Grylls or a cheesy Fishing show.  At least 2, usually 3 nights I’d go to the gym about 10pm and one night plus maybe Friday night I’d go for some beers at the Greyhound with Coops.  Weekends would come and it’d be house work time, or we’d go out somewhere, shopping, driving around, visiting either parents, seeing my sister etc..  If I had a lot of freelance work on I’d use one day to catch up but I always had one weekend day where I wouldn’t do any work.  The net result of all this was...

1.  I got shit loads of freelance done, which is all useful money

2.  I spent good time with Becky

3.  The housework got done

4.  I was never bored.  Ever.

But recently, this has all gone to pot.  I blame two key things.

Firstly, the amount of travelling I have been doing since December has been huge.  Now I’m not complaining (am I?) as I have loved doing these events but I didn’t realise, till just now in fact when I was staring at my PC, how much its upset my routine.  My weekends have pretty much all been spent abroad, and during the week I’ve been working really long hours.  That’s no gym, no freelance etc.  When I get back and have days off, I tend to do the other thing...

Fishing.  I was big into fishing when I was younger.  Three or four times a week, at least once a weekend if not more.  All my money and time went into it.  Then I discovered beer, girls, live music and a whole bunch of other things that gave it the shove, and the next thing I know I haven’t fished in 15 years.  That all changed at Christmas when my bro in law bought me a fishing reel.   A quick session in January (breaking the ice of a lake to fish, must have been mad) and I’m hooked (excuse the pun) again...

It wasn’t till just now that I realised how much it’s affecting things though.  I definitely have less money, because I’m not earning anything like as much as I was but also because I’m spending the money I do have on expensive fishing gear.  It’s one of those hobbies that really is a bottomless pit of money.  Wearing that Fox hoodie is sure to make me catch more fish, right? :-\

Tonight is a great example.  I said to myself today, must get back into my gym routine.  Must get some work done.  Maybe start my accounts.  So I come home fully motivated.  Becky cooks us one of my all time favourite meals of Sausage and mash, its already cooking in fact when I walk in the door.  Effort from me, zero.  I potter around tidying bits and bobs while she tells me the latest doom and gloom from the papers.  Then after dinner I come upstairs as I hear the Eastender Street theme tune start.  Staring at the screen,  ‘where do I start?’ commences... and then I proceed to find fishing things on eBay for an hour.  Then I realise I should be getting some freelance done, but the fact is I don’t have much because the last few months I haven’t been chasing leads, sorting quotes out etc.  and then I stare some more, and I write this blog.  And in a minute I’m going to go and watch some TV.  Net result, £28 spent on a Fox Hoodie, 2 hours wasted, no work done.  Again.

This has got to change.... and I won’t make it to the gym either.

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This time hopefully without my work email disclaimer :-)

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See the full gallery on Posterous

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I was actually really impressed. You do have to register with Formula1.com but that is quick and painless. I registered some time ago and they don't spam me with emails.

Once it's loaded, you can see countdowns to the session, live timings which I compared to our screens at the track and they were in good sync. You can also select previous events and see times, results etc. If you go landscape the timing page expands and you can see sector times, purples etc and it's all very clear.

Another neat feature is the commentry button. This is a real time quick sentence of key things happening on track such as shunts, good laps and dramas. I watched it for the whole of Quali and couldn't really fault, other than a lack of video which I can understand was not included.

I give it the thumbs up. Search iTunes for Formula 1 2010.

See the full gallery on Posterous

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So what do I want to do with all this social networking stuff then? Well apart from ramble and rant (ranting kept to a minimum I promise!), I want to blog about my interests and travels, F1 bits and bobs along with anything else I want to share. It'd also be great to hear from anyone that reads this so leave a comment or drop me a note.

Next stop Heathrow, I'm flying Emirates so you'll maybe get an update from the skies. :-). Till then,

Gary

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OK, so my website http://www.garyfoote.com has long been out of action and with a few hours to kill while Becky gets ready I thought I’d map out what I’d like to see from my site.  I wanted a way of posting really easily with my iPhone, with a way that updates a blog on my website, and also notifies my Facebook account.  I knew where to look for the answer. I headed straight over to the blogs of my former colleague and friend Rich (http://richard.mackney.com) who is massively clued up on these sorts of things.  Within minutes I could see how he was doing it, and was really impressed.  This led me to Posterous!  Have a read of his site to find out more about it, but I’ve signed up, linked in my Facebook, Twitter and even my out of date Picasa account.  This is the first post, so let’s see how it goes!  To test it properly I need to attach a picture... so attached is a picture of an unwelcomed catch while I was fishing the Grand Union on Thursday.  For those that are interested, this horrific creature of the deep is an American Signal Crayfish.  Not the prize winning Perch I was hoping for.  Anyway, enough of this, let’s send the mail and see if it work!  Then I can play with tidying everything up, making it look pretty and start using it in anger.

Gary

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